I apologize for being such a whiny bitch lately.

I guess I can step back and take a look at the big picture since I have tonight finally free to do homework (whaa?)

But only for tonight because I know what comes ahead is another big hurdle I have to overcome.

I grew up hating that my mother always compared me to other kids, but I do it to myself too. Sometimes, it takes a negative toll on my self-esteem, but mostly I'd like to think on the positive side - that it could serve to inspire me for self-improvement.

I have a friend who seems to perfectly define what a capable person. She has the personality. She has the patience. She is actually what I think my mother wanted me to be. I think, "If she can do it, why not me?"

And yes, why not?
I take on the same amount of work (sometimes more) than she does, but she seems to be fine, while I'm kind of...withering away.

I am not as emotionally stable.
I freak out too easily and I stress too easily.
I don't like the person I become when I'm overworked.

People have told me not to force or push myself too hard.
But is there any way I can stop?

Been so exhausted everyday.
Everything I do is forced and takes so much effort.
I haven't even talked or hung out with friends for a while.
Feeling strange, spacey, and so distant.
I made an important decision without even telling anyone.

Spring Break 2011

Honestly...Spring break wasn't fun at all.
I was miserable for the most part.
I was upset with one friend, so I didn't want to see her for a while.
But.
I ended up getting very lonely so I had to cope with my irritation until the feeling left me. I didn't want confrontation because I know it will make the situation worse. The only thing I could do was wait. I woke up early everyday for work so I barely got any sleep. As a result, I am so. incredibly. e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d all the time!

A friend told me not to push myself too hard. And I do always feel like I'm putting alot of effort into everything I do, but.

In the end, I still feel like I have accomplished nothing.
So this doesn't make sense...

Tomorrow will be my last day of spring break.
I still haven't started on homework.
*dies*

This may sound horrible, but sometimes I feel detached from the devastating earthquake and tsunami disaster in Japan. It seems surreal to me. Because it's not happening to me - school goes on and life goes on.

I don't know how much this incident will change my study abroad experience in Japan this coming fall. The spring semester has already been cancelled. Many of my friends currently in Japan are at a loss for what to do.

I picked up two newspapers yesterday. I kept it in my bag the entire day, but never found the time to fish them out and read them. I only read The New York Times this morning and to my surprise, teared up when I read the line, "Assistance teams also were due from China and South Korea, two of Japan's traditional and bitter rivals."

It was enough that the countries put aside a bitter history to focus on the present and help, but unlike the 1995 Kobe earthquake where 6,000 people died, Japan actually accepted foreign aid this time.

It is not enough to simply 'pray.' I know I want to help.
Spring break is in a week. I have so much to do then.

*is tired*

Woke up at around 11am both days this weekend.

It feels slightly disorienting to have my routine thrown off for once, which is to always wake up at 10am for an hour run at the gym, eat brunch at 11am, shower at 12pm, and start homework at 1pm.

Thursday marked the end of my hell week.
I felt so burnt out on Friday.

I might have lost my willpower to do any more work.
Yet...I have to keep going, I know.

The earthquake news had me worried about all of my friends in Japan. My roommate's family lives in Iwate and Sendai, so it was particularly frightening. However, we were able to Skype with her family last night. To my surprise, everyone seemed fine. They were laughing and were extremely 元気 (or maybe they just didn't want Mao to worry?)

I am thankful that all of my friends in Japan are safe (yay Facebook!) I am thankful that Japan is strong. Although tragic, it could have been worse if Japan was more poorly equipped (ie, if this happened to China, it would kill them.)

Pray.

Is it obvious that there's something wrong?

Here are just some random thoughts I had today.

- I felt faint today so I didn't feel like walking across campus, but I couldn't tell her that. I don't want them to roll my eyes and think of me as a weak person.
If she got upset, I won't offer an explanation because having them know the truth is more terrifying.

- You can underestimate good friends because they can read your mind even when you're pretending. And I pretend quite often. When I feel like dying, I will remember that I have friends like these.

- I pretend not because I'm a liar, but because of the 'secret,' the idea that believing something eventually makes it true. Applying this theory means that when you pretend to be okay, everything will be okay. But maybe it doesn't work very well.

- These past few weeks have been mentally and physically exhausting!!! No play! No sleep! Just do, do, do!

- My non-existent plans for the summer bother me so much. I want to be productive. I want to do something...truthfully, I want to study abroad in Korea. My long weeks of searching for scholarships have resulted in nothing. Where can I find $5000???

- I want to draw. But I don't have that kind of luxury right now.

- I FINISHED TWO MIDTERMS AND MY SECOND VIDEO PROJECT!!! I feel so accomplished. It was a terrible day that ended well.

- One more midterm and one day to study for it! Go, go, go!!!